Embracing the Tortoise

You are probably familiar with Aesop’s fable “The Tortoise and the Hare.” If not, like all fables, it is a story meant to impart wisdom and the moral of that story is “slow and steady wins the race.” Well, anyone who has spent more than about 5 minutes with me can probably tell you that I have NEVER been the tortoise. Historically, I have operated at one of two speeds: 120% or 0; there has been little in between. In fact, my parents just reminded me (again) that when I was little I used to talk from the moment I woke up until an hour AFTER I fell asleep. Let’s be honest- my husband would probably tell you that’s still the case.

On a logical level, I get why “slow and steady wins the race.” Sustainability and pacing are important in life. It’s also not particularly pretty when I eventually hit the wall and suddenly shift from 120 to 0 (I also tend to not be the only one who ends up with whiplash in those moments). But the external reinforcement I get from those periods of operating at 120% is intoxicating. I probably wouldn’t have Paralympic medals or be about to take my third specialty board exam without them.

We live in a world that idolizes productivity. Despite the fact that productivity increased 299% between 1950 and 2018, the average employed American in 2019 worked 8.29 hrs per day or approximately 41.5 hours per week. If you only include full time employees, that number jumps to nearly 45.5 hours for men and 42 hours for women each week. In my field, medicine, it’s even worse. I was fortunate to have trained after ACGME duty hours were implemented. This meant that, as a trainee, I was “protected” by a limit of 80 hrs per week (averaged over the course of 4 weeks, so individual weeks could and sometimes did exceed the cap) and no more than 28 hrs of consecutive time on duty. And that’s assuming the program you matched in to actually adheres to duty hour standards and encourages you to report your hours honestly. Studies have indicated systematic under-reporting of duty hours by trainees in Pediatrics, and have suggested they create an ethical dilemma in surgery residencies with 80% of residents surveyed had violated duty hours in the previous 6 months and 49% under-reported them.

As both an elite athlete and a physician, I was rewarded for learning to essentially ignore my needs and find a way to push further than most others dared to go. I darn near perfected showing up under pressure and seemed to thrive on adrenaline and a perpetually overstimulated nervous system. Becoming a mother wasn’t exactly helpful in this arena, either. But “having it all” comes with a cost.

Remember those 0 moments I mentioned? Sometimes the sudden stop is due to a physical illness. Other times, it has been due to episodes of severe depression or overwhelming anxiety. As I have gotten older and added more to my plate, they have been coming more frequently and it’s harder to get back to baseline. On top of that, there is a lot more at stake now that there’s an impressionable little human in the picture.

Every parent hopes their child will struggle less than they have. For me, this means raising a son who recognizes he is worthy of love and respect simply because he is a human being. A son who doesn’t feel compelled to prove his worth or fear what he might find when the constant dust of commotion finally settles. A son who knows who he is and isn’t afraid to speak his truth. A son who recognizes he is a human BEING, not a human DOING.

Unfortunately, children ultimately internalize what their parents do far more than what they say. Of course, this means that I have to learn how to model the whole human “being” thing. (Cue inner toddler throwing massive tantrum and screaming ‘But I don’t wanna!!!’)

Embracing my inner tortoise may be my biggest challenge to date. So, folks, buckle your seatbelts because it’s going to be a bumpy ride!