Here’s a post that got stuck in my drafts for about two years (Whoops!). Better late than never!
Yet again, another post that is long overdue- thanks, life, for all the recent curveballs. If you are new to my blog and/or aren’t sure what I’m talking about, see these posts on fertility challenges, illness and prolonged recovery.
As a reminder, I posted about emotional responses to parenting in Part 1 of this blog series back in August 2021. In it, I alluded to this post being more process/action oriented. In retrospect, while certainly more than a bit tardy, I think this post will be even richer than it would have been when I first intended to write about this topic.
My professional and educational backgrounds put me in a unique position when it comes to parenting approaches. Many would consider me to be an expert in child mental health and how to achieve in general (if you need a refresher as to why that’s the case, see “Why Unarmed Mama, MD”). Over the years, I’ve developed further expertise in what not to do as a parent through my work with foster youth, but aside from frank abuse or neglect, most parenting strategies seem to be in the “it depends” category. This has been further reinforced by conflicting “evidence” and advice from experts, discussions with parents from a variety of different backgrounds/household demographics, and my own journey of parenting a neurodiverse child.
Let’s take screen time as an example. Most parents in the US with children under 18 have probably heard that the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends limiting screen time for youth. I entered parenting as someone who regularly talked with families about these limits, discussed regulating screen time with parents and planned not to use electronic devices with my child(ren) until they were at least in preschool or kindergarten. Then reality hit. Not only did we have to intermittently survive 4 hour flights to visit grandparents, but we also ended up with a child who has both neurodevelopmental and nervous system disabilities. This combo makes it especially difficult for said child to regulate. Screens ended up being the one thing (other than some very dedicated and skilled caregivers) that could maintain sanity and family harmony (not to mention allow me to occasionally take a shower). Pretty quickly, we found ourselves throwing the guidelines out the window.
Another foundational building block of “good” parenting comes from the lens of behaviorism- using principles of reinforcement to shape behavior. This might work for you if you have a neurotypical child, but it backfires in our world. My child’s neurodivergence makes it difficult for them to learn from natural consequences. Forgetting a jacket and being cold does not increase the likelihood that said child will remember (or even accept) the jacket next time. It also renders strategies that rely on differentiated attention (i.e. paying attention to desired behavior and ignoring undesired behavior) moot in our household. Paying attention to and praising a desired behavior is just as likely to prompt an undesired behavior as it is to “reinforce” the preferred behavior. Consequences are equally futile. While the threat of losing a desired activity or prospect of earning a prize or activity may work on occasion, they are just as likely to be met with indifference and “I’ll just try again tomorrow.” Rather, my child responds much more to connection and nervous system regulation based approaches. When they are within their window of tolerance, the sky is the limit.
Nutrition is another big thing in parenting. I started out with a book of organic baby food recipes and planned to make them from scratch. Healthy, whole foods were going to be the basis of my child(ren)’s diet. There was just one problem- whole foods are wildly unpredictable. They look, smell and taste slightly different each time you have them. Packaged, processed food, however, tends to be consistent. Each box tastes exactly the same as the last and the texture rarely changes unless theres a recipe shift or change in brands. The unpredictability of whole foods is often a challenge for neurodiverse children, and mine was no exception. When predictability and sameness = control and comfort in a chaotic and anxiety producing world, how on earth is one supposed to force whole foods and all their variation on a child who can tell the difference between brands of boxed mac & cheese? The old wisdom of “if they get hungry enough, they’ll eat” also fails with neurodiverse children, who would frankly starve rather than eat unsafe foods. So instead, I celebrate every fruit or veggie that enters the rotation of safe foods and try not to sweat the amount of processed meat and refined carbs, knowing that at least my child is fed.
Ultimately, most parents are doing the best they can with the resources they have in the circumstances they face. Every parent will make mistakes. One can parent “perfectly” and have it be a complete mismatch with their child’s neurotype. Some parents get lucky and the strategies they swear by just happen to mesh with their child’s temperament. Some children are more easy going or have a greater desire to please than others. Ultimately, we have far less control over the outcome of our parenting than we like to think. So the next time you see a parent struggling, try giving them a little more grace and a little less advice.
Unarmed Mama, MD 